I have had so many emotions:
FEAR AND ANXIETY: The abrupt changes to everyday life plus the unknown of what is to come has had me taking deep breaths every few minutes. The hospitals canceling all cases last week and then my husband having to have to go back in for an emergency that evening threw me over the edge. I gave myself space to have a breakdown, which I think is super important right now. No one can keep it together all the time, and everyone has their own stressors that can lead to that breaking point. Giving yourself permission to feel is hard, especially when there are responsibilities to be taken care of...kids, work, helping others, whatever they may be.
PANIC: My kids started online learning last Thursday. Everyone knows I am not a teacher. The thought of having to teach anyone anything is terrifying. My last job was as a commercial lender...so maybe I can teach math... to some degree...but forget everything else. The governor of NC just announced yesterday that we will be out until at least May 15. For those who don't want to take the time to do the math...it's seven weeks. I predict that they probably won't be going back to school this year, but, right now, I'm going with seven weeks. What I have realized is that, thankfully, teaching is not my job. The teachers are doing an amazing job of keeping the kids busy, and I am basically just a parent here to help. Phew.
CONFUSION: Last week was weird. At the beginning of the week, we were trying to figure out what was appropriate to keep on doing...Going to dinner? Having people over? Playing tennis/golf/any other activity outside that involves other people? And a week later, we have our answer. STAY HOME.
ACCEPTANCE: For me, this has not been a huge adjustment because the majority of my day has been spent at home over the past 12 years of raising my children, but, even for someone whose everyday was not drastically changed, this was a mental blow. I can only imagine how everyone around the globe has taken this news and is feeling. It's a hard concept to grasp, but we have to do it. STAY HOME.
GRATITUDE: I have honestly taken a lot of cues from my kids on this one. They are pretty fine with this new set up. Yes, they miss their friends, but they are not scared, they are not anxious, they are not wondering what's happening seven weeks from now. They are just living today. They are getting their work done, they are taking breaks to enjoy nature, they are playing together, they are watching movies, they are happy because they are safe. I am safe too. We are some of the lucky ones who have a roof over our heads, who have plenty of food in the house, who have running water, who have access to more food, who have our health. Good grief, those are some amazing things to be grateful for.
HOPE: I'm still trying to wrap my brain around what is happening to our world, but there are a few things that I know for sure. If I focus on gratitude, it helps keep the anxiety at bay. If I focus on the here and now, it blocks the fear of what's ahead from consuming my thoughts. If I focus on what needs to be done today, it helps me realize that I still have purpose.
Life has slowed down which has been eerie...it's also been wonderful. I've joked that I have spent the majority of this school year in my magical minivan racing all over town trying to tote my kids and myself to all of our various activities. You guys, I have not driven my car in days. It's the craziest thing. I have spent more time reading, and being still, and taking walks, and actually enjoying nature and recognizing the beauty of this earth. I have spent time actually talking with and playing with my children. I have had more meaningful conversations with my husband, my family, my friends than I have in a long time.
Don't get me wrong, the fear and anxiety are right under the surface, but I'm doing my best to keep them in their place. Maybe I should give them a name and tell them to go sit in the corner when they rear their ugly heads. Any suggestions?
There's a lot of news still to come, a lot of heartache to be had, a lot of economic turmoil and disruption. I am not naive to any of that. I am acutely aware of it when I think of my own husband's medical practice and how his work, patients, employees, etc. will be impacted by all of this. But that's out of my control at this point. What I can control is how I live today. Some days will be better than others. Hopefully on my bad days, I can come back and reflect on my own words and words of others far wiser than I am and pull myself into a healthier head space.
Today...I am going to help my children with their schoolwork. I am going to listen to the birds. I am going to cook three meals (and clean after all of them). I am going to go on a walk or a run or a bike ride. I am going to have a dance party. I am going to do laundry. I am going to Zoom with friends. I am going to talk with my family. I am going to play some board games. I am going to have a cocktail. I am going to read. I am going to take a bath. I am going to watch a movie with my kids. I am going to pray. I am going to breathe.
What are you going to do? I would love to hear from you...have been thinking of so many friends, near and far, old and new, people I see everyday and people who I haven't heard from in years.
Hang in there, and LIVE TODAY!
-Amy
